


And For All Days After

by Rapterkitten



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Character Death, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Letters, M/M, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-05
Updated: 2014-06-09
Packaged: 2018-02-03 11:37:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 3,541
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1743308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rapterkitten/pseuds/Rapterkitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Just figured I would clear this up: If the letters are long enough, I will not do a short little paragraph or two before it out of the letter. Unless the readers want me too. In which case I most certainly will.</p>
        </blockquote>





	1. Day 1

Dear Levi,

You died on saturday. I was the one who found you a rope around your neck, hanging from the ceiling. You looked like a rag doll. Just hanging there. Swaying back and forth lightly. Not moving, not breathing. I almost screamed, Levi.

Hah- big, intimidating Erwin almost screamed at the dead body of his boyfriend. That must sound really pathetic to some, huh?

Well, anyways. I cut you down. I grabbed that knife you always kept underneath your pillow and just cut the rope, caught you in my arms before you fell to the ground. You were so light, Levi. You always were. I loved picking you up, you know. Just holding you in my arms like you were a baby, cuddling you to my chest, feeling your warmth. But.. this time it was different.

You weren't moving. You were cold- so very cold. Your chest wasn't moving with your soft breaths, though your eyes were closed peacefully, like you were asleep.

I wish you were just asleep Levi. Not buried 6 feet underground. Not with your body shoved in a coffin, not with a funeral of so little people. Or maybe I just didn't notice any of them. I hardly even noticed Hange, or Mike, and they were both standing right next to me the entire time. Mike had one arm around my shoulder, though. So I can remember that at least.

I think they were worried about me. But I didn't cry, Levi. I didn't cry at all. I just leaned against Mike and stuck it out until the end, and I didn't cry. I don't know why, though. Maybe I was just too upset to even cry about you.

Anyways... this is just something Hange suggested to me.

Writing to you every day in this little journal. She said it might help me to.. cope with things. I hope it works. But I kind of doubt it for some reason.

I love you, Levi.

_-Erwin_


	2. Day 2

_He's just swaying there, his feet off of the floor, arms limp at his side. The rope is fraying, his clothes are all rumpled, his black hair sticking out in every direction_. _He can only see the back of him, standing in the doorway, where light floods in from the hallway into the dark room. The knife that's usually tucked safely beneath Levi's pillow is laying out, on the floor, and there's blood on it. There's blood on it and there's blood on Levi's arms, dripping down onto the wooden floor, pooling there. He can't move. Can't move, can't move, can't move. His body is stuck in the same position, rigid. Arms hanging at his sides, eyes wide. He can only stare. Stare, stare, stare. The puddle on the floor is getting bigger, crimson red growing and growing, until it floods the room and touches the toes of his shoes. Lifeless. Levi's body is lifeless. Swaying, swaying, swaying. Back and forth, slowly, gently. He can't speak. Can't move. Can't reach out. He can do nothing but stare at his lifeless love, swaying- swaying- swaying- constantly, at constant pace, doing nothing but hovering, hanging, swaying-_

**E** rwinawakes with a start. Blue eyes snapping open, heart rushing in his chest, as if it wants to escape the confines of his chest. Worry is etched onto his face as he pushes himself to sit up, the silver sheets pooling around his waste, one hand reaching up to press to his forehead. A nightmare. A nightmare, just a nightmare. The blonde man sighs ever so gently, and turns his attention to the spot on the bed next to him,"Levi-" he stops himself short.

There's nothing there. Just the blankets, the pillows. The gentle curve of the mattress, their forms imprinted onto it from years of sleeping in the same bed together, curled up and cuddling. In a moment of blissful confusion his hand sets down on the bed, Erwin swinging his legs over the edge of the bed, hesitating a moment with his bare feet touching the cool wood flooring, before he pushes himself up and stands, towering over the bed. With a great yawn, the man strode out of the room, the bottoms of his sweat pants brushing against it, dragging slightly. They hang low on his hips, top of his boxers visible.

"Levi?" he questions again as he enters the kitchen, blinking a few times and glancing around. The clock says 5:20. The time Levi usually gets up and goes to work at. He glances around a bit more, noticing the coffee pot pressed against the wall on the counter, left untouched. Not a speck of, well.. anything, in the kitchen. It looked as though no one had touched it in a while. How odd. Levi usually made his coffee in the morning, it helped to get him away- Levi was most certainly no morning person. Loved to sleep, even if he did love his job (especially the money he made). So why hadn't his love touched anything? Or maybe he just.. cleaned up really good. Or.. or..

The tears started before he could compute what was going on. Warm tears that cascaded down his cheeks, left a pit in his stomach and a hole in his heart. _Why am I crying? What's wrong with me?_   His shoulders shook with each quite sob that wrenched itself from his throat, hands clasping onto the edge of the sink as the world seemed to sway and twirl around him. Erwin knew why he was crying. He knew exactly why. But it wasn't forming a correct thought, a correct word- just one thing, over and over again in the depths of his mind. Levi.

Levi, Levi, Levi. I'm sorry, Levi. I'm sorry.

* * *

Dear Levi,

I woke up this morning, and I cried.

Not right away, though. I was really confused when I woke up. I just had a nightmare, and when I woke up from it I intended to wake you up, too. But when I turned to wake you up... you weren't there. I thought that maybe, at first, you just got up and left for work. It was 5:00, or around then, and that's your usual time for going to work, right? I'm pretty sure it is..

But when I walked into the kitchen there was no sign of you having been in there. Everything had been left untouched, and I was wondering if maybe you just forgot to make coffee because you woke up late, or that you just got up and left right away for work.

And then... I don't know, something just snapped. I started to cry, and I couldn't stop. I didn't stop until Mike ran into the kitchen and tried to pick me off the floor, and after that there were still tears, but mostly just little ones. I didn't fully stop crying until Hange rushed over- apparently she and Mike were staying the night with me. Hange had to go and get something from her apartment, and that's why she wasn't there when I woke up.

I don't remember them agreeing to stay with me the night after the funeral, though. Maybe they didn't even ask if they could. You know how easily I get drunk- maybe I just agreed to let them stay after we got drunk a bit? But then I'd have a hangover, wouldn't I, and I didn't have any.

Oh. Look at me. Asking my dead boyfriend through a letter as to when and how I agreed to let my two last friends stay the night.

I think you would scold me for doing something so stupid if you where here today. I have to get some sleep now. Actual sleep, hopefully. Not one inhabited by nightmares about you. Bye, Levi. I love you.

_-Erwin_


	3. Day 3

Dear Levi,

I'm writing this to you at nearly.. 10:00 pm. It's really dark. I'm really tired.

But I can't go to sleep without writing to you- it just wouldn't feel right to leave a letter unwritten. I didn't know what to write, before,  so I just kind of sat here. Staring at this piece of blank lined paper. The walls. The wooden floor. Trying to think of what to write.

I finally just settled on telling you how I feel. That's probably what Hange had in mind when she suggested I write letters to you. So.. yeah, let's do that.

Okay, Levi.

I feel empty. I feel sick, and empty, and apathetic about everything. But at the same time I'm so very sad, and maybe even a little angry, and confused. I didn't want you to die, Levi. I really didn't. I loved you with all my heart, and yet you didn't tell me anything about this. You never said you felt sad, you were just as you always were, the normal Levi I fell in love with. You even smiled a bit more than you usually would.

It all felt okay, it all felt so natural. I was happy, and so were you. At least, I think you were. But maybe you weren't. Maybe you were unhappy with me- with our relationship, and rather than telling me about it, and trying to fix it, you instead hung yourself from the ceiling and fucking died. 

You died, Levi. You just killed yourself, completely out of the blue. You never even mentioned feeling unhappy, or sad, or suicidal. You never even mentioned dying in general. Why didn't you just tell me? We could have tried to fix it together, I could have helped to get you help, and you could have lived! I wouldn't be writing these stupid letters to you, hoping that somehow from beyond the grave, with childish hope, that you could be able to read this, and try to understand! But I doubt that even if you could read my letters, you really would understand how I feel.

Or maybe you would.

Is this how you felt, Levi? When you killed yourself, I mean?

Empty. Sad. Scared. Tired.

I kind of hope you didn't. I don't want you to feel like that, Levi. I never did, and even now I don't want you to. Which is kind of stupid, because if your... wherever you are, I doubt you could feel these emotions. I hope you don't.

I hope you feel nothing but bliss and happiness. Because I surely don't feel that right now, Levi. I don't.

I miss you, and I love you.

_-Erwin_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just figured I would clear this up: If the letters are long enough, I will not do a short little paragraph or two before it out of the letter. Unless the readers want me too. In which case I most certainly will.


	4. Day 4

He sometimes imagined it was him instead of Levi. Erwin in the place of his boyfriend, hanging from that rope with the blood on his hands. The one who killed himself.

Sometimes he thought of doing it to himself, to be with Levi. But that was early in the morning, late at night. When Hange, Mike, and every other one of his friends kept him busy, talked to him, gave him things to do. Things to keep him away from depression, loneliness, sadness. This was his first time staying home alone. Mike and Hange had work to do in the morning, they had no more time to grieve over their dear friend. Or.. so called dear friend. He wondered if Levi ever really was their friend. If so, why weren't they mourning as well? Why was he the only one who seemed damaged by this, the only one who dreamt night after night about his body hanging there from a rope, his body laying there in the casket. Why, why why?

Was there something wrong with him for mourning still?

* * *

 

Dear Levi,

I still miss you. A lot.

I dream about you every night, and during the day I do nothing but think about you. I miss you so much, and I can't help it.

Hange and Mike are both going back to work for a couple of days, so now I'm on my own at night and during the day. The house seems a lot bigger than it used to be, I guess that's because there's now one less person in the house. And with Hange and Mike going back to work, it seems even emptier. I was just starting to get used to them being here with me, helping me. I guess that was kind of futile, huh?

There are so many new things that are popping up now, things I didn't notice when you were around. The house is starting to get really messy, except for our room.I don't go in there anymore. I don't even sleep in there anymore, I just can't. If I sleep in there I'll just be reminded of you even more. Not that sleeping on the couch is any better. I keep waking up, thinking that we got in a fight and you made me come sleep out here- you always used to do that, remember?-, and I go into our room thinking that I'll see you laying there, and I can wake you up and you'll let me crawl back into bed with you.

But I can't do that anymore. I can't crawl into bed with you anymore, I can't take you out on dates anymore, I can't cuddle you close to me like I used to do nearly every night. I can't do anything, Levi, because you're gone now, and I don't have anyone to do that with.

And I probably never will.

You were the one person I loved the most, Levi. I loved you with all my heart, cared about you to no extent, I would take a bullet for you. And I still would. Because I still love you. Even if you are dead and gone, Levi, I will always love you. You will always fill my thoughts late into the night, you'll terrorize my dreams and nightmares, and in the morning you will be the first thing I think of, for now and probably forever.

Until, one day, I can finally meet you again.

I think that will be the one day after all this that I am truly happy.

_-Erwin_


	5. Day 7

_Back and forth, back and forth. He's swinging like a gentle pendulum, the blood is running down his arms, down his legs._ _Erwin can see his face this time,_ _with blackened holes for eyes and a mouth twisted into a grin too large for his face. His skin is pale, so, so pale. Blood runs down_ _his chin, down his cheeks. It's so wrong. It's not right, it's twisted, grotesque. And then, suddenly, as if time has jumped forward to save him the fear, Levi's body is resting in Erwin's hands. He's kneeling there with the man, holding on tight, not wanting to go. The blood is all over them and that crazy grin is gone, but his eyes are still opened black holes, and his mouth leaks blood. Erwin's heart is pumping fast, fast, faster, until it seems it might burst through his chest. "Levi, Levi, Levi" he cries, tears landing from his cheeks onto his lover's face._

And it's yet another dream that he awakens from, thought quite slowly. His body jerks lightly, body waking just a mere millisecond before his mind. At least so he thinks, because when he is awake, his arm is already slamming down on the side of the bed where a small man with black hair one laid.

* * *

Dear Levi,

I stopped writing a few days. I'm so sorry, I forgot. I've been busy doing... well, nothing. Well, I take that back.

I'm busy going completely insane.

I had another dream about you. But it was so twisted, it was so wrong. It was like something that crawled out of a horror movie and into my head, and I don't even know why I had it. I haven't had a nightmare so creepy and twisted as that one in so long, and when I woke up from it you where there to help me recover from being terrified out of my wits. But when I woke up from this one, you weren't there, and I had no one to help me, so I just got up and decided to write this letter to you early in the morning to pass the time, even though that's probably not a good idea because then I'll have nothing to distract myself with tonight.

Maybe I can watch one of those movies you bought for us to watch a while ago, that could probably keep me distracted. Although I'll probably only end up being reminded of you, and then that's less of a distraction and more of a reminder.

Then again, everything is a reminder of you as of late.

I tried to sleep in our room again, and that didn't go as well as I thought it would. I woke up thinking about you again- but maybe that was just because of the nightmare I had. I hope I don't have that dream again, Levi. I hope I don't dream of you at all anymore. Unless it's a good dream, like a memory. I have a lot of memories about you, Levi. I only know realize that. But I also have a couple bad ones.

I don't like remembering the bad ones. But.. I don't know, sometimes I have to. Sometimes it feels better to remember equal amounts of good and bad. Like.. that time when I caught you flirting with a girl at the bar? That's a bad memory. But the nights that followed that were mostly just you and me cuddling together and watching movies? That's a good memory.

If you take the good and the bad memories, and put them together, it's easier to remember who the person really was, right? At least, that's what I'm assuming. It's probably wrong. I wonder if you would agree with me. Maybe you would. I don't know.

I think you would.

_-Erwin_


	6. Day 8

Dear Levi, 

I fell over, and I hit my head on the wall.

It left a cut, and I started to bleed. But I didn't do anything about it. I just laid there. I watched It drip down from my forehead, smear on the walls, little blood drops hitting the floor, or my hands.

I don't think I moved for about a half hour. Can't say I'm all that happy that I didn't bleed out. That would have been nice. I would be with you, then, wouldn't I? You and me could be together again, and we would be happy, because nothing down here on earth would be able to hurt us ever again.

I wonder if you're already happy up there, though.

Maybe you are. Maybe you don't even need me to make you happy anymore, perhaps you're already as happy as possible up there. It's weird, though. I hope that you are happy up there, and that nothing possible is bothering you. But at the same time I hope you're sad, and that you're missing me.

Maybe even regretting your death.

But I doubt that. You wouldn't just.. kill yourself, and then regret it in the afterlife, would you? Wouldn't you be happy that you succeeded, if you wanted to die in the first place? But... oh well.

There's no use contemplating everything about your death, is there? That was over a week ago.

You always told me I spent to much time over thinking things and remembering.

You would have wanted me to forget by now, wouldn't you have?

Wouldn't you have, Levi?

_-Erwin_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *semi-loud laughter* Next chapter will be the last one, because I don't know where I really intend to go with this. Better to end it early than let it go to shit. I think you guys will enjoy the last chapter.


	7. END

I wouldn't have wanted you to forget me.

And I never will want you to.

I love you, Erwin. And I know you love me the same.

But, still, why would you think I would want you to forget me? Even if I had died, I doubt I would have wanted that.

But, then again, you don't even know I am alive, do you? You're trapped up there in your head, locked up in your room day in and day out, sitting around and muttering to yourself. You never do anything anymore.

You do write, though. You write a lot, about things we've never heard of. Hange lets me read the letters that you write, and they're all to different people. But, lately, they're all to me. Dear Levi, Dear Levi, Dear Levi. Never see a dear Hange these past couple of weeks. Not sure if that's a good or a bad thing. Probably bad, seeing about what you've written lately. Where do you even get these strange.. ideas anyways?

I wish you could tell me.

But you don't even recognize me anymore. You don't recognize anyone. But you still remember us, and clearly you think about us. So.. I'm confused. Do you not see me, Erwin? Has your brain turned into such fucking mush that you can't even see your own goddamn lover?

I wouldn't really be surprised.

Well, anyways. You're never going to get this letter. And if you do, you probably won't even notice it there, or be able to actually fucking read it. But, if you do, and if you can come to your damn senses, just know that I'm actually here.

And that I'm waiting for you, out in the real world.

_-Levi_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *the sound of a hundred bulls yelling shit behind me* it went to shit anyway deal with it (i'msosorrythoughomgiswearihadgoodintentionsfortheendingwhydiditcometothis)


End file.
